It’s a Resonance—Not a Place
Author: Esther Sarlo, BA, Founder | Visionary ~ Mynd Myself
In his book, Anam Cara, (Gaelic for “soul friend”) John O’Donohue says,
“We need to come home to ourselves.”
I agree. That is most definitely where “belonging” begins. Before we dig a bit deeper into that idea, let’s look at a basic definition.
Cambridge Dictionary says belonging is:
“A feeling of being happy or comfortable as part of a particular group and having a good relationship with the other members of the group because they welcome you and accept you.”
It is commonly understood that we are wired for connection with others—not as a preference, but as a need. When we feel like we belong, other needs tend to be met more cleanly and easily. When we don’t feel like we belong, we may try to substitute with achievement, control, busyness, or self-protection.
Basic Human Needs
My blogs don’t tend to be particularly academic, but a brief examination of basic human needs seems relevant to our discussion here. Two leaders in the field stand out: William Glasser and Tony Robbins.
William Glasser was an American psychiatrist who developed Choice Theory, which suggests that all human behavior is internally motivated and chosen to satisfy five basic genetic needs: survival, love/belonging, power, freedom, and fun. Glasser held that all behavior is an attempt to meet one or more of these needs. He emphasized personal responsibility and choice, stating that we cannot control others—only our own behavior as we attempt to meet those needs.
Tony Robbins, a renowned American life coach, motivational speaker, author, and philanthropist, widely recognized as a leading expert in personal psychology and peak performance, has expanded on Glasser’s work with the six human needs: certainty/uncertainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth, and contribution. He often adds a seventh: Spiritual Connection/Purpose.
Robbins argues that all choices are driven by a need to satisfy six core human needs, with two usually being prioritized over others. He says that how people meet these needs—whether in healthy or unhealthy ways—is critical and that awareness allows us to consciously redesign our life patterns. It becomes more about moving from a state of reacting to conditions, to a state of directing your life through intentional, conscious choices.
Though they use different terminology, there is much overlap between the two models. Together, they offer a useful map for explaining why we act and how we can evolve the ways we meet our needs.
Where Belonging Begins
Both models highlight that love and belonging/connection are a central human need. And though they each emphasize choice, what’s often left unnamed is where that choice must begin.
It makes sense to me that before belonging can be found in groups, relationships, or communities, we must first develop it in ourselves.
As always, I like to consider a whole-being perspective—body, mynd, and spirit.
“You belong wherever you show up as yourself.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
When we don’t feel ‘at home’ in ourselves—our thoughts are chaotic or unsupportive, we stuff our emotions, or we notice that our bodies are tense—external belonging can feel unattainable.
The Journey from There to Here
In past eras of my life, I have felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I was ‘the odd one out,’ ‘the tall chubby girl in the back row,’ ‘the one who tried so hard to fit it but never quite seemed to achieve that.’ For a long time, I carried those stories as proof that something about me was wrong. Looking back now, I can see how much energy I spent trying to earn belonging instead of offering it to myself.
I’ve come a looooooong way since those dreadfully uncomfortable days. I have come to a place of peace inside myself—more often than not. There are definitely things I’d like to improve about myself; things I’d like to do differently. But, generally, I like who I am and I love my life. When I first became aware that I had come so far, I realized how huge this was. How much work I’d done. How much terrain I’d covered.
“Belonging is what happens when we stop trying to fit.” ~ Tosha Silver
Now, whether or not I belong to external groups has become almost irrelevant. Sure, I like to feel accepted and wanted. But, first and foremost, I need to feel that inside me!
A Piano Moment
A perfect example of this. This past weekend, we were visiting a friend who had a piano (a real one, not an electronic keyboard!) I used to play the piano a lot—studying up to grade 8 in Royal Conservatory as a kid—and I loved it.
I came to realize that music was another language—one that transcends culture, race, and creed.
There are many better players than me, but over the years, playing music has always been one of my passions. When I’m playing or singing (or both), the rest of the world disappears.
On this particular evening, my friend had a few classical pieces on the piano ledge, one of which was a duet of Pachelbel’s Cannon. She asked if I’d like to play it with her. Yes! Now, for context, I haven’t touched a piano with any degree of dedication for years. But I sat down on the bench with her and we began. We stumbled in the sight-reading, laughed, counted, returned to our places, and finished the piece. And, I was reading two lines of bass clef—which I’d never done before.
“Let’s do it again!” After that first attempt, the second run-through was more familiar and easier.
Isn’t that the way of things? Decision, action, and practice can make all the difference.
Neither of us gave even close to a “perfect” rendition of the piece of music. But was it ever fun! I released my penchant for perfectionism, put my fingers on the keys, and let it rip. Being in the moment, doing something I loved, and releasing expectation brought so much joy—inside me.
I stayed playing at the piano a bit longer while conversation swirled around me. I didn’t worry about what anyone else thought. I didn’t care if anyone judged me. In fact, I was so into the pleasure of the moment, it didn’t occur to me that anyone would.
In that space, I belonged to me! How powerful.
True Belonging
As Cheryl Strayed said in Tiny Beautiful Things,
“You don’t have to be fearless. Just be brave enough to take the next step.”
I believe true belonging asks this quiet and foundational thing of us: a willingness to inhabit ourselves honestly, to listen inwardly, and to create enough internal safety to be present as we are. That is the work!
And from that place, connection with others becomes less about fitting in—and more about resonance. A feeling of knowingness and ease inside your body. Allowing yourself to be seen—as you are—by others. An acceptance of the idea that you’re living a life you choose and that you matter.
Final Words
Mary Oliver put it so eloquently in her book of poetry, Evidence,
“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing.”
I leave you with this:
Be kind…to yourself first. Be honest about what you’re really thinking and feeling. Choose healthy mischief as much as possible. And for goodness sake, break free and sing!
You belong to you! And YOU matter!
Much love.♥
Esther
