The Art of Listening
Author: Esther Sarlo, BA, Founder | CEO | Myndful Spark of Mynd Myself
You’ve probably heard the saying “curiosity killed the cat.” In looking up its etymology, I found its roots were in the idea that inquisitive behavior leads to trouble or danger. That while curiosity can be a positive trait, it can also lead to risky situations or undesirable outcomes.
Or, you may also have experienced some version of the reprimand, “It’s rude to ask questions!”
The Power of a Question: The Reframe
In this blog, I am reframing both of these notions about curiosity! I firmly believe that being curious and asking questions is a GOOD thing…a necessary thing!
A few days ago, my beloved Bill and I had the pleasure of being invited to dinner at another couple’s home in Vancouver. We’ve known each other for decades but haven’t spent a lot of time together, especially over the last five years.
It was a lovely evening. The food was delicious and nourishing. The fire crackling in a real-wood-burning fireplace added a cozy ambiance to the dark of the pre-spring dusk. As people do, we got caught up on the comings and goings of our lives…
And then the conversation shifted to what’s happening in the political landscape of Canada…and beyond. We talked about food, medicine, laws, politics, land ownership, etc. Well, as you might imagine, we stepped on several landmines!
The Minefields
It turns out we hold greatly divergent perspectives of what is and has been happening lately in Canada, the United States, and around the world.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into a rant here! I’m using this situation to illustrate something I believe is important!
In one part of the conversation referencing Canadian political figures, my friend said, “I really like her (she named a Canadian woman) and I think she’s done a great job!” To which I thoughtlessly replied, “Oh, I don’t like her at all.”
My Learnings
Hmmmm. In hindsight, I see clearly that my response was NOT helpful or unifying. It shut the conversation down and caused a “door” to close. My statement created an uncomfortable atmosphere rife for defensiveness rather than connection. Distrust rather than understanding.
Joanna Coles says, “As long as you’re interested in people and things, that curiosity propels you forward.”
My response did NOT have curiosity in it, nor did it provide opportunity for moving the conversation forward.
Things got a bit more heated as other potentially contentious topics emerged and it became crystal clear that we did not share each others’ views. We even started looking things up on our phones to fortify or justify our “positions” on things.
Have you ever thought, “If I could just show you the ‘correct’ information, you would surely change your opinion? It just makes so much sense, how could you not see ‘the truth’ as I see it?”
I think we all got a bit caught up on that slippery slope—as James Hogan puts it so eloquently in his book, “I’m Right and You’re an Idiot: The Loss of Public Discourse”—of trying to “convince.”
A Bit of Levity
In one particularly fraught instance, our friend said, “I just want a nice retirement in a world where my kids can grow up safely and do what they want to do. I want to travel. I want my wife to have a nice retirement too!” We all laughed, and it lightened the moment.
We ended the evening with hugs, but it definitely felt a bit awkward. At least, I did. I can’t speak for anyone else. Clearly, we have many values in common. Respect, caring, honesty, compassion, etc.
So, What Does Curiosity Actually Look Like?
Looking back, I believe it would have been SO much better if, instead of proffering my “I don’t like her” comment about the politician, I had taken the route of curiosity. If I had said something like, “What do you like about her and the job she’s done?” perhaps the conversation would have taken an entirely different turn.
Now, I’m not suggesting that being curious means you’re going to change your perspective or opinion. Or someone else’s. What it might do is help you understand someone else’s perspective or opinion. It might help you have a better sense of their thought processes and how they came to their conclusions.
And how might that curiosity change the nature of our conversations…our connections…our relationships?
We certainly live in interesting times! There is so much polarization. So much division. So much fear and even despair. On the other hand, there is also still potential for great beauty, care, kindness, and joy. If we choose to go there!
I believe, if we come from a place of genuine curiosity…and put aside our own perspectives (and judgements) for a few moments to listen to someone else…it can make a world of difference. I know I commit to doing this more!
As Bryant H. McGill says, “Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness.”
Let’s get curious…together!
